Monday Morning

Well, it was certainly a Monday morning at my house this morning... The time change always rattles me a little and shakes me out of my normal sleeping, and it had the same effect on Claira. Normally, after Greg leaves for work, I have about 30 minutes to get as much of my "getting ready for work" done before Claira wakes up. I like to be able to be dressed and only have to blow dry my hair once she's awake, because it gives us a few minutes to cuddle and play before we have to race out the door. I have time to make a bottle and we can lay together in my bed and enjoy a few minutes of just us.

This morning, however, was different. She was up before I even got out of bed, which is good for Greg because he gets to see her. That's always good for them. Greg needed to borrow my ATM card today because his replacement card is on the way and his other one had been deactivated. I very grumpily yanked it out of my wallet and nearly threw it at him, knowing that by doing so, I'd have to forego the coffee at Speedway that I really, really, really wanted this morning. But it was either him ending up on the side of the road without gas, or my going without coffee...

So, to get ready I put Claira in the bathroom with me and showered quickly and got dressed. She is very curious and likes to empty things - if a basket is full of lotions and body sprays, she likes to empty it. Or the trash, which was mostly empty today so I didn't have to worry about it. It's much easier keeping her in the bathroom with me and mopt up the water off the floor from her pulling the shower curtain back, than hearing her work herself up into a monster crying fit that takes 10 minutes to calm her down...

I got her dressed and got my hair dried and was doing my scrunching-spritzing thing with my head hanging upside down and when I popped up, she'd found the coffee cup on the back of the toilet that I'd "lost" yesterday morning and hadn't finished drinking. All over her - all over the closed toilet. So, I changed her clothes, which she did NOT want to do, grabbed a towel and was mopping up the bathroom when I realized how quiet it was and I didn't see Claira. So I got into the hall to realize her bedroom door was open (and NOT closed as I honestly, truly thought it was) and she was playing in the vaporizer on the floor... (This is why she isn't allowed to play in her bedroom alone because of the fan and vaporizer that are on her floor...) So I dried her hands and cried really hard for a couple of minutes because by that time, I was worn out and cranky and it was all just a little too much for me today (PMS does NOT help the situation). So I got Claira into her coat despite her crying and fighting me - again - got my stuff and got her to Mama & Papa Taylor's. Whew!!!

I feel guilty whenever I drop her off and walk out of their house and breathe a sigh of relief... I feel like I'm a terrible mother for feeling that sense of relief that for even just a few hours I don't have to personally safeguard Claira's happiness and well-being... Today, I didn't feel so guilty...

So, the sun was shining brightly this morning and I took a more scenic route to work and it was really peaceful. Greg called and we chatted for a few minutes and it was really pleasant. And I got to work and opened my bottled key lime sparkling water beverage, which promptly exploded all over my desk... AND NO COFFEE!!!

Seriously, I could be a sitcom. The exploding poopy diapers I have had to change at home and abroad, the severe caffeine withdrawals and Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde mood changes that come with PMS, the identity crisis I suffer on occasion when being a good "wife" or "mom" feels impossible to attain, the giant attack spiders living in my basement. How about the peeing into a 44 0z cup in the back of a little airplane that had no bathroom and was copiloted by a Tom-Cruise-Top-Gun lookalike? If only I could laugh at myself while these things were happening. If only I could be flipping channels tonight at home and run across a sitcom showing MY life long after I've lived it - I could laugh at myself then. But today, I'm not laughing so much...

Real Beauty

Today is my niece, Ashtyn's, 12th Birthday!!! I plan to call her tonight and wish her a happy one. I can't believe she is 12 - which inevitably means I am getting older... I talked with her one night last week for a few minutes and had this really fun "girly" conversation and I enjoyed it. I enjoy the time I get to spend with her. She is a sweet, funny, lovely, mature girl (I just couldn't bear to type "young lady" just yet - she's growing WAY too fast) and she & Claira really enjoy each other, too. (This is an old picture of Ashtyn & Claira, but it's one of my favorites...)



I sent an e-card to her today from a "Campaign for Real Beauty" website sponsored by Dove. Ashtyn is beautiful. She has incredible hair (naturally curly) and it is thick and healthy and she has beautiful eyes that are a remarkable color (can't quite describe them, in fact). She's got these freckles sprinkled on her cheeks that just "fit" her and she often wears her hair back with a bandana which is SOOOOO cute.

Dove website: http://www.campaignforrealbeauty.com/

My friend, Jenna, sent a link to me showing the rapid transformation of a model from the Dove website. It showed clear pictures of the model before & after makeup, as well as the "tricks" that were applied to her finished photo for the final ad. Wow - that put things into perspective.

It's a hard world to grow up in. There's enough pressure from the outside world to be attractive. Everyone (men included) is supposed to "Look" a certain way to be considered "attractive" but we all know that while the outside might look "perfect", it really does matter how a person looks on the inside. There is also that pressure on the inside. That ugly voice that starts, at some unnamed point along the way, that says I'm not worthy or attractive.

I can remember ALWAYS wanting to be different. Didn't matter how I looked, I just wanted to look different, which in my thinking meant "better." I still feel like that sometimes and have to fight off that sneering voice in my head. What a terribly unhealthy thing for me to do to myself. The truth is that weight matters only in relation to health. And even what some would describe as "healthy" requires unhealthy habits or behaviors to get there... I can remember a time in my life when I wasn't eating. I was emotionally stressed and lost my appetite and also rapidly lost significant weight. When people started commenting on how thin I was getting, I was THRILLED that people noticed and I thought it was a good thing. NOT A GOOD THING!!!

Changing the voice in my head to talk more kindly to myself about how I look is not easy, and anybody who deals with self-esteem issues knows this. But it's worth doing. What I think of myself affects every relationship I have. What I believe about myself guides my connection to others. It is important that I understand and accept that I am beautiful for who I am, and not what I am. I hope Ashtyn can grow up knowing that about herself. And I hope I can help Claira hear that kinder, loving voice inside herself above the clamor of society demanding that she be "perfect" in this imperfect world.

School Days

So - I'm official. Financial Aid paperwork has been completed. I have registered for courses. Text books are on their way to me. Courses begin the week of January 1. I am really excited and looking forward to getting started!

Because I'm taking distance learning program, the courses break down differently. I'll be taking a History and Math course for 8 weeks beginning 1/1, then I take a Bible and Humanities course for 8 weeks beginning 2/26. I like the idea of being "full time" but only having to concentrate on 2 courses at a time. I may be taking a regular semester course at Ashland University during the spring semester, but Greg & I are talking through that idea... Yay!!!

I ended up transferring in 37.3 credits. Don't ask me how I got 3.3 credits anywhere, but it happened, and I'll take it thank you very much! Many transferred in as general electives, but some counted toward general ed & major requirements.

From start to finish, this has been "a God thing." I began searching out colleges out of curiousity and every step I took in this direction was just laid out for me. I struggled SO MUCH when I was in school before because I didn't know what direction I was going, but this has all fallen into place without any effort on my part. I feel like this is something for me to FINISH, but also feel like it's taking me to a different chapter in my life and I'm very excited!!!

I just love kids!

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember anymore. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough"

D I (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt. Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

The Sermon this Mom will never forget..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust." He would have continued but, at that moment, my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

Mondays are hard

Mondays are hard. I feel like my weekends FLY right on by and my "To Do" list just continues to grow... Some weekends I really push myself to "accomplish" something (anything) and some weekends I am just grateful for the things I can get taken care of...

So, the chickens are gone. I miss hearing the roosters. There were 16 eggs (only 2 of which appeared to be fertile), and the setting hen had one under her wing, so that was kinda sad for us. But they've gone to a farm setting and friend of my parents', so we'll be able to see them again when we visit my parents.

Claira is learning a few signs. My dad taught her "More" the few days he spent with us last week, and she's added "eat" and "poopy." (Yes, this IS a mommy blog. Deal with it.) I had been showing her some signs for awhile but she didnt' seem interested and began saying many words so I stopped. But when dad showed her the sign for "more" and she got a celebratory reaction, she was motivated to use the sign... She is learning "please" right now and used it correctly a few times yesterday. These are big steps - she can say many words, but some she either can't or won't, and using the signs is helpful to all of us. She's been spontaneously using them, and it has been fun. She is walking EVERYWHERE and rarely crawls anymore. She has discovered the kitchen cabinets & drawers, which have been left alone (for the most part) until she's started walking more. So, latches are being installed... She seems to prefer the big spoons & whisks most often... Maybe she'll be a chef. =)

Yes, fall is here. We had snow the other day. It looked like a blizzard outside. Melted when it hit the ground, but it was SO pretty. On one side of the building I looked out and saw "blizzard" and blue skies - that was very interesting. We're thankful we didn't get the 2 feet of snow that Buffalo, NY saw - but the cold weather is certainly on its way...

I had thought about commenting in great detail on the shootings at the Pennsylvania schoolhouse, but am going to remain brief on that. Suffice it to say that the horror mankind can afflict on one another is breathtaking sometimes, but in a fallen world it is to be expected... I think about what if that was Claira and how would I react, and immediately I have to surrender her to the Lord's care again because she belongs to Him. I do not say that flippantly or nonchalantly or without feeling. I can only imagine how those mothers felt and the imagining is excruciating enough...

Good News Update

So, in the process of applying to Liberty University, a lot of really great things have happened. My financial aid paperwork is still under review, but I found out on Friday that 31 credit hours transferred from my courses I took in 1991-1992 at BBC! Two of them are Psych courses (my major) and 1 is a required English course. The others are all electives, which is just fine by me.

I just found out at lunchtime that the Chemistry class I took right after high school (in 1988 - and for those of you who are reading this that were born AFTER 1988, NO AGE WISECRACKS, please!) also transferred in 3 credits for a required science class! Woohoo!!! I've got another English Comp class I took just a few years ago that I hope will transfer in for the other required English course. It's getting exciting!!!

Good news or Bad news first???

I always prefer the bad news first and the good news last so there is at LEAST a chance for swift recovery from the depths of despair...

BAD NEWS:
Has anyone seen "The Money Pit?" Okay - our house is a mini-version of that... My dad came down Sunday afternoon to spend a couple of nights helping Greg fix a leak in our basement - WHICH of course has turned into digging a 5-6 foot trench in the front of our house and the discovery of 2 leaks outside, resulting in mold problems on the inside... It is being fixed - but it will take some time to get the inside finished and the mold removed. Which will HELP us in the long run (allergies, etc.) but is a real PAIN for the guys to have to deal with.

GOOD NEWS:
Yesterday was a GORGEOUS day to get started on the project and allowed for a lot of work to be done. The concrete had a chance to dry out from the very wet-clay-dirt we have and they're working to patch it today. Also, the toilet seat was fixed and THAT is a blessing...

BAD NEWS:
Neighbor (someone who has caused some problems for Greg and his brother, Kevin before) complained about our rooster crowing and we have to get rid of all of the chickens. UGH! JUST after we find that a hen is setting on 8 eggs. Greg is really upset and I'm really sad. I don't spend much time around them, but I have actually become accustomed to and welcome the rooster crows in the mornings. Really. I enjoy them. I enjoyed the prospects of chicks and seeing what our little "flock" might produce...

GOOD NEWS:
We're giving them to one of my dad's friends who has a farm & land and other animals. We'll be able to see them again and find out just what kind of offspring will come from a splash silkie pullet (http://www.americansilkiebantamclub.org/silkiephotos-frame.htm - click on "Spoyld Silkies" to the left and you'll see a good shot of one in the middle 2nd row) and a red game cockerel (http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Valley/5490/animals/rooster7.jpg). We'll have to wait and see what happens. The eggs may not survive the transfer, but if they do, I hope to take some pictures of the results. We will just wait until we have some land and then we'll have chickens to our heart's content!!!

GREAT NEWS:
Greg found my camera - it had fallen from the diaper bag (where I was sure I had put it) into a case of bottled water that we'd left in the car for a week. We have a filter pitcher, but decided to put the bottled water in the fridge to chill before my dad got here and they got to work. TA-DA!!! I was VERY happy to see it and immediately began taking pics of Claira (which I don't have with me today, but will update soon!)

Blogger Moms

I've done some snooping around to see other blogs, just cuz I'm curious (aka Nosy) like that. I read one this morning that I could have almost written a few years ago. Single gal, in a job - no boyfriend of note, no kids. Sounds as if she has a good career and a fun one, at that. She was on a rant about a table of "mommies" who sat near her at a local bistro and ALL they could talk about were their children (can you imagine!) In essence, she was pretty darn angry and hugely critical of this conversation she overheard. Didn't these women have anything better to talk about? Didn't they have lives with value, meaning, & purpose outside their children? Could they not discuss something more lofty & high-minded and leave the "kiddie" talk for the soccer or ballet sidelines?

I am reminded of a time in my life several years ago - I was a single gal - with a good job - no boyfriend of note - no kids. And all of a sudden there was a MASS explosion of pregnancies & babies in the small office where I worked. 30+ employees, mostly female. We heard from one gal that she was expecting - and oh, wasn't that COOL! Wisps of pink & blue baby dust settled around the office...

Then, there was an unexpected announcement of a good friend who was pregnant - and found out that she was expecting twin girls! Yay - more pink baby dust!!!

And then, the very shocking announcement by a coworker who went to the emergency room with what we thought might be appendicitis, only to discover that she was pregnant with TRIPLETS. Nobody could believe her when she came back from the ER - everyone was in shock. She wasn't expecting to have babies, and here she is pregnant with triplets!!! (Boys - identical, red-headed boys!) Wow - what a crazy thing - I think I started choking on the baby dust! Maybe we should have stopped drinking the water...

Another coworker, who was trying to conceive for some time, was able to announce that she was pregnant - and later found out - with fraternal twins. (Okay - what are the odds? Any mathematicians out there?)

This was over a period of about 18 months. We're talking baby showers galore! How exciting for them. And frankly, it became quite expensive for me... Being the social butterfly I am, I knew almost all of these women pretty well, and loving babies so (and WANTING babies so) I could not possibly have avoided the baby showers... =)

So the babies began coming. Meanwhile, I started taking that look at my life and wondering what the heck was so valuable about a job that really just pushed paper. Yes, I occasionally processed health claims for people who had been quite ill and paid the checks to the hospital & physicians & radiologists & ambulances & home care nurses so the patients would not be hounded by collection agencies. I sometimes talked with employers, some of whom were genuinely concerned about their sick employees, and also about their bottom line and commiserated about the cost of health care and how grateful I could be that I had my health... But what was I doing that was going to matter in 10 years? 5 years? 6 months?

And the babies kept coming. SO sweet - so lovely - so beautiful... And I enjoyed holding each one and watching some of them grow. It eventually ended with the very FIRST mom telling us she was expecting again and having the LAST baby in this group!

Having come this far, where I am now a wife & mother, I understand a different take on life. What I do is not nearly as important as who I am. And, yes, I am in fact Greg's wife, and Claira's mom. That is part of who I am, but not ALL that I am. Some days it feels that all I am is a housekeeper or a poopy-diaper changer (you don't even WANT to know...) or a mediocre cook. But that's not WHO I am, it's just some of the things I do. And when others hear me talk about my family, especially my daughter, maybe sometimes they forget and think that all I am is a mom.

Who I am is a wife & mom. A daughter & sister. An aunt. A friend. A creative soul who doesn't give herself nearly enough credit for her accomplishments. Someone who prefers perfectionism to a fault, and is learning to relax & let go (slowly, but learning!) I am someone who gets goosebumps when I hear someone sing well The National Anthem. Who delights in holding a brand new baby (even someone else's) just simply for the joy of new life and the potential I can actually feel in my arms. Who cries at girly movies and even girly commercials. (sigh). Who shoots off at the mouth far too fast and far too often, but can still manage to stay in other's good graces... Who is way more emotional now, than ever. Who loves music, nature, beauty. Who really does like to play with makeup & haircolor & fingernail polish and all those "foofy" things. Who understands that while what I spend doing 8 hours a day at the job I love is valuable and important work, it is NOT nearly as important as the value of my husband & daughter, or my parents, or my brothers & their families, or extended family or good friends. I am someone who complains about having to do yet another load of dishes or another load of laundry, but who would rather have the dishes & laundry to do than to not have either my husband or daughter.

Isn't it possible that the four mommies this single gal overheard, had actually not seen each other in ages because they had been doing what a mom does? Is it possible that this was the first time the mommies had had a break from DOING what mommies do, and could finally revel in BEING a mommy and talking about the people in their lives that matter MOST to them? Isn't it possible that in the very end, in the very last breath that each person takes, the thought is NOT of "I wish I could still keep working at my job" but rather "I wish I could have more time with my family..." And isn't that a good thing?

Random Thoughts

FIRST, I need to wish my brother, Dan, a belated 35th (NOT 55th) birthday on my blog. I didn't do it on Tuesday, when it was his birthday, and I want to correct that now. When I called Dan to wish him a happy birthday, he was eating Creamy Tacos, a Baker family favorite, and was expecting to finish the rest of his birthday cake with my parents later in the evening. Apparently, he had a very decadent chocolate cake that he couldn't stay out of and dug into about 30 minutes before his birthday technically began... That's okay - he was turning 35 and it was HIS birthday cake - more chocolate to ya, Dan!

Claira. Recap: On Friday, 9/22, Claira decided that it was time for her to walk. So, she stood up in the middle of the floor and toddled over to her daddy in his recliner. She then began to walk back & forth between Greg & I, to great pomp & circumstance, even looking over her shoulder if her efforts were not met with immediate applause. She even joined in the celebration (GOOD FOR HER!) Ever since, she's decided to walk more & more and we're really having fun...

Disaster struck during our Baker family get together in Lima over the weekend. No one died, but I LOST my digital camera. ARRRGGGHHHH!!! I cannot believe it. I've had the thing for 4 or 5 years, and on a family get together I lost track of it and it is long gone. I am rather upset about it, although I find that I am in some sort of major denial about it. I continue to act as if it is just going to turn up somewhere and everything will be fine... Yes, pictures of Claira on it. Pictures of my wedding dress that I was going to upload and put on ebay... The case & cords & base to the computer are at home - lonely, waiting for my camera to return... The Baker family get together was fun. The hotel we stayed at had a game area, so there was ping pong, air hockey, fuszball, and pool. And even a small plastic play gym for Caden & Claira. Claira, by the way, was in H-E-A-V-E-N because of all the little kids to play with. And when she saw that Caden was walking almost everywhere, she decided she could as well, and just randomly began walking into the middle of the family group. What fun!!!

Update on Grandpa King: He was moved to a Rehab facility for a few days, but has subsequently been moved to a nursing home. He seems to be doing well and mom has visited him a few times. He has good days & bad days and I know it's hard for him to be separated from his wife, Doreen, but they're taking it one day at a time right now.

Spiders. Can we talk about spiders? I have never had either a strong aversion to, or particular fondness for, spiders. I can remember playing with daddy-long-legs when I was little. I will even admit to pulling their legs off and watching them hobble around with only 3 or 4 legs. Okay PETA, I was just a small child... Anyway - I have generally been the "spider killer" wherever I have lived. Since just before Claira was born, I have developed this irrational reaction to creepy, crawly things - I cannot explain it other than to say "hormones?"

Spiders are one thing my husband does not at all particularly care for. So, I am still the spider killer... Just last week, when I saw, what appeared to me to be a "baby" tarantula in my basement, on top of the slacks I had just thrown downstairs 15 minutes earlier to be washed in the next load of laundry, I fa-REAKED out. I had to look more than once to realize that indeed, I was NOT hallucinating. And then I panicked.

Note: Just a few weekends ago, we had moved our "living" area from our basement back into our front living room. The basement has some renovations that need to be done, and the front room had been recently carpeted. Since Claira was still crawling mostly, and the basement floor is not carpeted, we thought we should move things around. Back to the spider. In the basement. Where only weeks before, my precious daughter had been crawling around on hands & knees. (HYSTERICAL SHRIEK!)

So, I yelled for Greg to give me a shoe while I'm literally trying to shake off the heebie-jeebies; Greg grabs Claira and stands at the top of the stairs watching while I slowly move back downstairs in an attempt to kill the large hulking beast that threatened my daughter, my family, and dare I say, the town of Crestline... This was the mother of all spiders (flashback to the end of "Arachnophobia".) As I got to the bottom of the stairs, I saw a movement to the right out of the corner of my eye. It was yet, another spider. Smaller, maybe half the size of the first. So here I am - 2 killer beasts on the loose in my basement... What do I do? Well, the smaller spider was closer, so I nailed it with the shoe. As I lifted the shoe off the floor, it fell off the shoe onto another part of the floor, and in slow motion, I saw the mother-of-all-spiders crawling back into the closet from whence it presumably came. The closet that all of my clothes - my work clothes - are hanging in... Take a minute. Consider what I just wrote...

So, to "scare" the mother-of-all-spiders, I beat the tar out of the already dead, much smaller spider. That showed her... At least, I haven't seen her since. But I imagine she is out there. Somewhere. Waiting to pounce...

FYI - I did research on spiders to see if I could find a picture that closely resembled her. This is what I found: http://www.marion.ohio-state.edu/spiderweb/SpiderPictures/Lycosidae/Hogna%20helluo.htm By the looks of things, it is quite possible that I disturbed a male and a female wolf spider... You betcha folks, I either ruined a romantic interlude, or simply liberated a now-widowed ~ and most likely pregnant ~ wolf spider...

How's THAT for a Halloween scare? My husband has since plugged in an electronic pest & insect repeller (?) which makes a rather reassuring soft whirring sound to me as I race through the basement to do laundry, and has pointed it directly at the closet on my behalf... No, I haven't moved my clothes yet. I can barely open the closet door for more than 10 seconds at a time, are you kidding me? I'm not going to disturb an expectant spider mother... For the record, I have not seen any spiders since, but did run (okay, maybe "sprint" is a better word - I'm not a runner) through one of those stringy web things this morning on my way into the laundry room to get a clean shirt for work. Shudder. Eeewwwwww!

What do you think?

Arrrggghhh - I've fallen off the blog-wagon...

I'm taking a poll. What do you think of the following quote?:

I am not bound to win, but I am bound to be true. I am not bound to succeed, but I am bound to live by the light that I have. I must stand with anybody that stands right, and stand with him while he is right, and part with him when he goes wrong. ~Abraham Lincoln