Sometimes, I Just Don't Wanna...

Sometimes, I just don't wanna be "the wife/mom". It is NOT that I don't want to be married to my husband or to be mother to my daughter. It's NOT that I don't want to have to my family - it's all the other "stuff" that makes it HARD to be a wife & mom.

It's the working all day 5 days a week and trying to take classes online (which I freely admit I willingly chose to do) and then coming home and trying to think about dinner and potty training and laundry and dishes.

It's easy for me to want to do dishes rather than focus on potty training because getting dishes done is a completed task in a limited amount of time, where potty training requires much more thought and attention and will be continual for some time.

It's the 2 full baskets of clean laundry that must be folded & put away so we have work clothes or play clothes, knowing that as I'm doing so, there are 3 other loads that should be washed, dried, folded & put away.

It's desperately needing the internet connection at home to get my homework done that is giving us nothing but problems (and NO connectivity despite numerous phone calls to customer service representatives who speak with a very strong accent and can be difficult to understand) and having to run to my in-laws (who don't mind) to take a quiz at 9:00 pm before the quiz deadline. It's needing to read 15 chapters a week and listen to 9+ online lectures in order to prepare for the quiz or test I have to take in 3 days. I REALLY want to be in classes and finish my degree and feel like it's something I'm doing just for me, and yet it just seems to be something else that pulls me further away from my family.

Greg tries to help. He puts dishes away - he has been making coffee in the mornings while we get ready for work - he tries to entertain Claira while I read my chapters (and while she whines for "Mama" regardless of what antics he tries) - he runs laundry through the washer & dryer to GET them into the "clean" baskets - or straightens up the living room or kitchen so I don't have to. But that list of things that must be done just never hits the end...

I think I could even sacrifice Starbucks to pay for a maid service (if I actually spent that much on Starbucks...) I can't tolerate that chaotic clutter like I used to and I'm turning into Monica Geller about the house, only I feel completely helpless about it.

That whole "Proverbs 31 Woman" thing is just something I can't possibly imagine ever attaining, and trying to think about doing so just frustrates me to the point of giving up...

So maybe it's not the whole "I don't wanna be a wife/mom" so much as it is "I don't wanna be the Proverbs 31 Woman"... MAYBE, that's what it boils down to for me...